I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
