apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
