At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
