I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
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We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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