apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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