Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
