so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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