i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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