My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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