Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
