Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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