I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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