I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
