and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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