She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Randomize
