What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
