ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
