I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
