While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
