I accidentally had phone sex last night
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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