I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
