Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
