high people should be assigned attendants
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
