if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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