I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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