i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
this is an emotional support booty call
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
