my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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