I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
