Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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