I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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