i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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