If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
