This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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