I wish I could teleport
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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