I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
