I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
