I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
