remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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