i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
