you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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