I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.