Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER