I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.