i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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