i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
