I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
is that a dick in a sweater?
All the doctor said was why
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
