I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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