Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
