I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
