M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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