Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
