So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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