Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
