I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
