I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
