And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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