You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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