I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
