My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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