I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize